Liam Lubitz
Digital Animation
and 3D Design
DEAD DOVE: DO NOT EAT
2021
#1: Dead Dove: Do Not Eat
This is the title page as well as my first photo of the series. The name Dead Dove: Do Not Eat comes from reading a lot of fanfiction to be honest. In fanfic, there is a tag (hashtag) that people use that says this and it basically means “I told you the trigger warnings, so don’t get surprised when those triggers are in the content”. The phrase itself actually comes from the show Arrested Development where a character, Michael, opens a bag labelled "DEAD DOVE DO NOT EAT" and says, deadpan, "I don't know what I expected". Evidently, he indeed found a dead dove in the bag (fanlore wiki).
https://fanlore.org/wiki/Dead_Dove:_Do_Not_Eat
Overall, I didn’t make this project for shock value. I made it for catharsis. Yes, I am safe now. In the past though, I can't say that I very much was. So go through these photos carefully knowing that there is a content warning for drugs, binge eating disorder, abuse, and suicide. If it is too much for you, please feel free to step away.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 800-273-8255
Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386
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#2: My Pills
I have been on medications since 3rd grade, when I was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome. Since then, it’s been a constant up and down on every drug and antidepressant under the sun. Now, and who could say if it’s because of the medication, I also have major depression, and anxiety. The upside down happy face, I feel, truly represents how I have felt, trying to stay afloat all these years.
#3: Student Life and Activities
These are actually my current medication bottles and where I store them. I thought it was really ironic that I store my many bottles of anxiety and depression medication in a bag that says it’s for “student life and activities”.
#4: Contradict
I had the desire to do a split screen effect and it really just played into the subject of my depression. When you have depression, there is always contradicting self-talk. Until you learn how to deal with that internal monologue, it could be dangerous. I’d like to think that the real me in this photo is the one at the camera while the internal argument at play is the me that wants to give up and go to sleep and the me that is judging myself for not doing more.
#5: Trip Hallway
This is a dramatization of what it means when I disassociate. Specifically when I disassociate and walk back to my dorm lately. The lights just go by and I don't realize them until I’ve already passed them. I think it’s also a good representation of when my doctor put me on too much Topamax (which is nicknamed Dopamax for a reason).
#6: MORE
This and the next few photos are a representation of binge eating. Mcdonalds is generally my go-to because it’s cheap and nearby. The title, MORE, represents how I emotionally eat to fill a space that can’t be filled.
#7: Binge
When I was a kid, my family would control how I would eat. It made me insecure to the point where I would sneak food into my room and then binge eat it all exactly like this.
#8: One Left
In the same manner that my family would control my eating habits, I would also get yelled at for “eating the whole thing” if I finished off a package of anything. Therefore, it became a habit to always leave one left, that way I wouldn’t be the one throwing away the package.
#9: Hide
People can be cruel.
#10: Door
I’d sit like this in front of my door so certain people would have more troble breaking down my door.
#11: Monster House
This is the house where all that would happen. This is the one photo I didn't take, it’s from Google Maps. In this house, my mom got cancer, my dad got distant, and my brother got uncontrollable and I was left to deal with it.
Glad we got through that, but it was a tough time.
#12: Caution
This photo is what I think of when I remember the day my friend, Sammi, died by suicide. The long exposure of the cars represents my dissasication walking out to the parking lot, not knowing what happened. It also represents how time is fleeting.
The caution tape and the rope are kind of self explanatory as she killed herself on campus.
#13: Chair in Window
I did not set up this photo at all. I was sitting in the library doing my finals and it came to me. I took it with my phone. I felt like Sammi was with me. That was actually the moment that I got the idea for this project.
#14: Empty chair
Every time I’m in an empty computer lab, I miss her. We were supposed to graduate together after all. She always sat in the computer lab with me while I worked on my animations, because I basically lived in the computer lab back in college. We would talk about everything and nothing. I really miss that.
#15: Flowers
When we were told not to talk about it, Sammi's parents never posted an obituary, and then they deadnamed her on her own grave, we started posting signs around the school “Her name was Sammi”, and we put a shrine at the bathroom where she died, flowers and everything. This photo is a recreation. The importance to me is the white rose.
It was the fall semester and in December, I went to this honors ceremony at night for being a 4.0 student. They gave me a certificate and a white rose. I was so numb. On the walk back to my car, I passed that bathroom. I stood there and cried for probably five minutes. I think I was waiting for her to come out and say it was a joke or something. I dropped the rose into one of the flower vases and went home.